reflections

so a little about me

Millions of people struggle every day with one or more parts of their personality and I am no exception. Last year was the worst for me. Diagnosed bipolar (finally), I thought my problem was solved. I got the medication and expected it to all be over in a month or so.

The medications seemed to be making my problem worse. Included in my toxic cocktail:

LITHIUM

The Dr. asked me to give it more time and “adjusted” my medication. Now I was in guinea pig mode (add seroquel, add lamictal, remove lithium, add klonopin)  and the fluctuations in my already scrambled chemistry were making life unbearable.

‘I’ was already unbearable. My problem started as a teenager and was always the troubled child. I get what the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde was based on. I’d be fine then I’d be insane. I shunned my family gatherings. Holidays were a nightmare. I scared my mother. My son stays an arms reach from me. I self-medicated. I self medicated a LOT.  BTW – lamictal works if you like to feel like a zombie. *note – I removed that myself and felt the withdrawals for 2 months. Seroquel is next, but I will be sick for months.

It’s been 14 months since my official diagnosis and 8 years since a physician suspected I might be “chemically imbalanced”. Today – I can FINALLY write about it but I’m still a jerk about what I’ve been through since I couldn’t help it but the damage has been done.

If this sounds familiar and you’ve been through this – you have my sincerest sympathy.

If you are chemically addicted to unnecessary medications from well-meaning doctors – again – you have my sincerest sympathy.

If you’ve been radically changed as a human being due to an incorrect diagnosis and feel the stigma that is still attached to being “different” I can truly relate. Join the club.

THE GOOD NEWS

Eventually (hopefully sooner than later) you will reach a point where you will become circumspect about certain people, places, and things.  You will learn your triggers and adopt better coping skills. You will “listen” to your medications when they work, or learn what to do if they betray you.

In any event, there is hope. YOU have to find the strength to look past what is done and look forward to what is or what can be. Realize that you can’t change the past. Yes, I still find myself looking back and cringing about things I have done and said and yes, they are too many to recall and some REALLY stand out. I’ve been paralyzed by these thoughts on many occasions yet I can do nothing about the past.  So the key is to divert your attention. I sincerely mean this. DIVERT your attention. Listen to THE SECRET, listen to a taped sermon from a church you belong to, or simply watch a movie, comedies are the best. Netflix is your friend. If you can’t divert – dig into your job as best you can. Listen to someone else instead of your head. Just try to stay out of your head and out of its way.

If you are defining yourself by the medications you take you may, perhaps, be stepping on your own feet. Attempt to define yourself by your successes and your strengths. If you define yourself by “what you think other people think of you” may I suggest that you get out of your head and try listening to some speakers and philosophers about self-consciousness and the nature of the human ego.

In my case I try to visualize a realistic future where I am less of an ass about myself and my life and don’t take it out on people. I try every day. YOU have to try every day too. You can do this.

Baby steps.

babystep7

 

 

 

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